What Is Preventing Me from Searching My Inner Self?

(Clearwisdom.net)

Master Li said, "When a problem arises, search your inner self for solutions -- that is the fundamental difference between a Dafa disciple and an everyday person ("To the Dafa Assistance Center in Shandong"). However, when I encounter problems, my first thought is usually not to search my inner self.

Whenever I study the Fa with a calm mind, I tell myself to search my inner self when I encounter problems. Whenever my mind is calm, I tell myself to search my inner self when I encounter problems. Whenever I am not faced with any problems, I tell myself to search my inner self when I encounter problems. But when I am faced with actual problems, my first thought is often not to search my inner self. Sometimes even after discovering my imperfections and mistakes, I would come up with an external reason to shift my responsibilities. It seemed that I wanted to prove that there were reasons why I made mistakes.

I would not see the error of my ways until many things have happened around me to cause interference with Fa-rectification. Even though there were all kinds of external surface reasons, the biggest reason those things happened was that there were conflicts between my fellow practitioners and me. The reason for the conflicts was that I had pushed the blame onto others. After I realized this, I remembered what Master Li said in Lecture at the Western United States Fa Conference:

"I often tell you about situations like this: When two people have a conflict both should look for the causes within themselves, "What problem do I have here?" Each should search for his own problem. If a third person witnesses the conflict between the two, I would say that it's not accidental for this third person to see it, and he should also think it over: 'Why did I see their conflict? Is it because I still have some shortcomings?' Only in this way can it be good."

Master Li also said in Lecture at the Conference in Europe,

"Whenever you encounter problems, you should each look inward to search for the cause within yourself, regardless of whether you're accountable for the matter or not. Remember my words: Regardless of whether the matter is your fault or not, you should look within yourself, and you will find a problem. If the matter has absolutely nothing to do with you or doesn't involve any of the attachments you should break, then this incident would rarely happen to you. If you didn't have an attachment, the problem wouldn't have been brought about. I have to be responsible for your cultivation. Any problem that happens to you, around you, or among you is most likely related to you, and there's something for you to get rid of. Regardless of whether it's your fault or not, when my Law Bodies are having you remove your attachment, they don't care whether it's your fault or another person's."

When I looked back and examined my past behavior and attitude when faced with conflicts, I suddenly woke up and saw the truth; I had not even met the requirements that Master Li set forth during the earlier period of individual cultivation. I became very ashamed of myself. I calmed down and asked myself what was preventing me from searching inward? Why was I not able to meet the requirements set forth by Master Li? Sometimes I had realized that the problems that my fellow practitioners brought up were due to my own attachments, but why did I still come up with excuses to cover things up? Was I afraid of taking responsibility for my own actions? That was somewhat true, but I realized that it was not the only reason. A deeper reason was my fundamental pursuit of fame and personal gain. My first thought was to look outward because I was afraid that if it were truly my mistake, other practitioners would think less of me. When I tried to come up with external reasons, I was trying to prove to other practitioners that "Yes, it was partially my mistake. But it was also because this thing was too hard or because a certain someone else did not explain it to me clearly." The root of my problem was that I did not want to damage my own reputation. I realized that it was an attachment that prevented me from searching my inner self when faced with conflicts or problems, and I was not able to meet Master Li's requirements.

Many times, when I saw problems that other practitioners had, I was not able to point them out because similar problems existed within myself, and I was afraid that if I pointed them out, other practitioners would say the same thing about me. I was afraid to hear, "Aren't you the same way?" In order to save my own face, I was not able to point out to fellow practitioners their own attachments. At the same time, I indulged my own attachments. But it was precisely because of my pursuit of fame and personal gain that I was not able to be honest and frank towards fellow practitioners. As a result, there was distance between me and fellow practitioners, which was then taken advantage of by the evil.

In addition, I realized that my pursuits of fame and self-interest manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Several days ago, one practitioner told me that I looked very lethargic. After hearing that comment, I thought about why I was appearing this way. A Dafa practitioner should be filled with righteous energy and possess a tranquil, majestic aura. Why did I not have that kind of aura around me? After thinking about the matter for a long time, I realized that I was being constrained by my pursuits of fame and self-interest. Before I became a practitioner, I was also afraid that other people would think I was too conceited. So I tried to handle everything in a low-key manner and did not tell others what I had done. I did not say anything not because I did not have the mentality of showing-off or I was not interested in pursuing fame or self-interest. It was because I was afraid other people would think that I was too conceited. It was a more deeply hidden form of the pursuit of fame and self-interest. These hidden pursuits made me appear less energetic. Even among everyday people, that was not a good thing to have, even less so for a Dafa practitioner. If I truly do not have the pursuits of fame and self-interest or the mentality of showing off, it would not matter whether I tell others what I have done or not. But on the surface, I would be able to let people experience the majesty of Dafa.

Master Li has said, "There is no fame, self-interest, or official titles in Dafa, but only cultivation practice" (Essentials for Further Advancements, "A Heavy Blow").
Chinese version available at http://minghui.cc/mh/articles/2001/11/6/19142.html

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