Facing Myself

By Taiwanese Dafa practitioner Zhu Feng

(Clearwisdom.net) One month after starting to practice Falun Dafa in 2001, I joined the television project team. After five months, I began to memorize the Fa, and after seven months, I organized a Falun Dafa club at school. During the initial stages of clarifying the facts in the television group, I went to New York without hesitation. It has been three years today. During the whole process, it was apparent that I was doing well, even though I started relatively late. I managed to quickly catch up with the powerful current of the Fa-rectification. But under these circumstances, I discovered that I had deeply concealed attachments.

From a young age, I was very good at art. Every time I took part in the inter-school art competition, I won first prize. Because of this, I gradually became indifferent to the competitions. No matter what happened, I would win first prize. When I was attending high school, I was given commendations for one of the first three prizes in each competition I entered. It was an established practice that for every three minor commendations, one would be awarded a minor honor, and with three minor honors, one would be awarded a major honor. When I graduated from high school, I had won six or seven major honors and broken the school record. The school nominated me as the most accomplished graduate for that year. I managed to enter the art class through examination for admission to the Senior Middle School. At the University, I also managed to secure a place in the most prestigious academy. With all these accomplishments, I could not stand anyone being better than I was. It gradually turned me into someone who was very unyielding and always looking to put others down. I was becoming very irresponsible.

During this period of time, I discovered that I had some very impure sentiments while doing work to validate Dafa. Very often, I would accept a great quantity of work. At times I could perform the task very well and accomplished a lot. But as I thought about it more, I came to realize that for the practitioners who began practicing after the persecution began in 1999, there was no distinction between validating the Fa and cultivation. So, was I really cultivating during the process? Certainly, my temper improved a fair bit. I was becoming more patient. But I discovered that when I accepted an assignment, it was only to prove that I was superior to others in doing the work. Because I thought I could do better than others, it was natural that I should do the work. Sometimes I looked down on the work of fellow practitioners. Having carefully examined myself, I found that in my mind, I was not really clarifying the truth, nor was I considering the salvation of all sentient beings.

When fellow practitioners complimented me after I produced a film on clarifying the facts, I became more conceited. Considering it now, even though I made many compact discs for clarifying the facts to be sent to China, because I had so many impure thoughts, their effectiveness was greatly reduced. When I read Teacher's article that reminded us that we should not be trying to prove ourselves but should be trying to validate Dafa, I thought that it was not directed at me, so I was unwilling to face my greatest attachment.

Because I had such ideas and attachments, whenever I was confronted with problems, I only casually looked within. I was kidding myself into thinking that I had already looked within, when in fact I had not dug out the problems at the roots. On top of that, as an ordinary person, I had always been prone to a lot of empty talk. It led me to talk a lot at Fa-study sessions about my experiences. This only enhanced my attachments. For a certain period of time, I was unable to speak up when I attended Fa-study sessions. Sometimes I started to speak, only to find that my brain was totally blank. I could not remember what I wanted to say. Sometimes, when I had just started to speak, someone would interrupt me. Thinking about it now, I know it was Teacher giving me a hint: "Listen more to other people's experiences and carefully contemplate your own."

If you ask me what the most frightening thing in cultivation is, I would say it is when you "deceive yourself." Finding excuses for not doing the three things that Teacher requires us to do became a habit. At the same time, I would also think to myself that I should not do such a thing in the future. But, because I had already found some excuse for myself, when I repeated the mistake, I would only see it as something trivial. Then, I would again tell myself just not to repeat it in the future. This had become a regular occurrence, until I read Teacher's recent article, "Let Go of Human Attachments and Save the World's People." Every time I read it, I would cry uncontrollably. Initially, I would feel that Teacher was merciful, as I used to shed tears when I read any of Teacher's articles. But when I used the Fa to reflect on what I did, I realized why I was crying. My long-term attachments had blocked my path to returning to the origin. Perhaps it was because the part of me that had cultivated well understood that I had not been diligent. I always sought comfort, knowing full well that there is very little time left in the Fa-rectification period.

Previously, a fellow practitioner told me, "If you have not cultivated well, do not be so hard on yourself to act that way." It was like what I used to believe, just concentrating on whatever I have enlightened to. But after close examination, this was actually making excuses for myself again. Teacher has taught us to have a high requirement for ourselves, and when we do anything according to the Fa, nothing should be left out. But we often make excuses for ourselves. No matter what we have enlightened to, it is only a very insignificant portion of the boundless Fa. So why don't we demand more of ourselves?

I wanted to share my experiences with fellow practitioners, so that we may improve in cultivation together.

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