By a Dafa Practitioner in China

(Clearwisdom.net) I am fifty years old. I truly embarked on the path of cultivation at the end of 1998. At that time, I was so riddled with illnesses that I felt I would be better off dead than alive. I had many health problems, the most serious being Meniere's Syndrome. I also suffered from a problem with a cervical vertebra that caused paralysis in my face and my limbs to become numb, a horrible skin disease, shoulder inflammation, gastritis, gynecological dysfunction, and inflammation and fluid accumulation in my joints to the extent that I had difficulty boarding public transportation. On top of all that, I had an acute case of athlete's foot. These illnesses were tormenting me until I could not shed tears even when I cried; and I wished to die but could not. I have elderly parents and children in my family. My yearly medical expenses were very high, which put me in great financial difficulty. After studying the Fa for three months, all my illnesses disappeared. Every day I was full of vitality and my face was glowing with health. I looked like a different person and I had truly experienced the miracle of Falun Dafa.

On July 20, 1999, the evil blotted out the sky and covered the earth. Facing these sudden changes in the environment, I didn't know what to do. During that period, people from my work unit and the "610 Office" [an agency specifically created to persecute Falun Gong, with absolute power over each level of administration in the Party and all other political and judiciary systems] spoke to me several times to try to get me to stop practicing Falun Gong. They refused to leave my home, and kept threatening me and wanted me to write a letter of guarantee [to renounce Falun Dafa]. Under such intense pressure from my family members and others, I signed the letter.

After signing the letter, I sat at my table and my heart was in utter pain. I thought about the often-quoted phrase, "Steadfastly cultivate Dafa, the will unflinching." (True Nature Revealed) Why was it that at the most important juncture, I became a person that said one thing but meant something else? Had I become a traitor? Why was it that when I faced a little tribulation, I immediately flinched? I had forsaken righteousness and morality and had given up my beliefs. For a few days after signing the letter, whenever I sat in meditation, my tears flowed continuously and uncontrollably. Tears flowed for the whole time I was meditating. No matter how many tears I shed, they could not wash away my shame. In deep remorse, I decided to retrieve my guarantee letter from the "610 Office." I immediately went and asked a senior officer to return my letter. He refused. I earnestly said, "It does not matter that you do not return my letter, I declare that it is null and void." Hence the police commenced to continually harass me, and even put pressure on my husband, which caused me to feel deeply depressed.

During that period, I could not discipline one of my children that was drinking excessively and getting into trouble, and who would not pay attention to what I said. Every day I felt very disturbed. Under these twin pressures, I began to neglect my Fa-study, and was sending forth righteous thoughts haphazardly. Although I studied the Fa daily, my mind was not tranquil, especially when my child got into serious trouble, my spirit would completely crumble. I couldn't eat, drink, or sleep and was always crying. I felt that my level was lower than that of an ordinary person. Later, I felt that my body was dying. I became thinner and thinner and I just could not eat anything. Even drinking some water would cause me to vomit. Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:

I was so sick; my spirit was at the lowest ebb. Having been advised by my family members, relatives, and friends, I decided to go for a medical check-up. It was discovered that I was suffering from late stage cancer. The news hit me like a bolt of lightening, and I was immediately in a muddled state of mind. After the initial shock, I became more composed and understood that I had not paid attention to my character during my cultivation. This led to my health problem. I appeared to be a practitioner, but in fact, I was only an ordinary person. All that I had done had led me far down the wrong path. My husband sent me to the hospital for surgery. The doctor said, "It is too late. Why did you not come earlier? Even if I were to operate on you, you may not leave the surgery table alive. Even if you survive the operation, you will not survive for long thereafter." My husband was so scared that he could hardly stand up. Hopelessness showed in his eyes. He did not even have the strength to sign the form consenting to the surgery.

When the surgeon opened up my abdominal cavity, he discovered that the cancer had already spread to other parts of my body. After the surgery, my husband and family members were feeling disappointed and hopeless. The incision site was extremely painful. Analgesics had absolutely no effect. I lay moaning and groaning for two days. Gradually, the pain eased up a bit. During this period, a thought flashed into my mind. I wanted to look in another dimension to see how things were there (after practicing for two years I could see scenes in other dimensions). By exerting all of my strength, I could see the few things that I normally saw. Amongst them was an ever-changing flower that was beyond description. The petals were composed of Faluns. At that time it was hovering up and down, right and left. The flower stem was about the thickness of a finger and structured like a golden rope, and it stretched farther than I could see. Then I suddenly realized--Teacher is still taking care of me. Teacher had not abandoned me. In spite of my not living up to expectations, and getting mixed up with ordinary people, I had not given up my belief in Dafa. I had not forgotten Dafa. Teacher was still in the process of saving me, and had given me another chance. At that moment I swore to wipe away the tears and start afresh in my cultivation.

Because I had that righteous thought, I had climbed back from the brink of death. I was discharged after spending more than 10 days in the hospital. On the same night, I started practicing the exercises, enduring the pain of the incision site, and sat in the crossed-legged meditation position for forty-five minutes. I persisted in my daily exercise practice and Fa-study. Teacher gave me hints in a dream that was so vivid it was almost like I was personally there. Teacher is so merciful. My tears continuously poured out. I repeatedly remembered that from July 20, 1999, to 2001, the path that I had taken included clarifying the facts, but my xinxing had not elevated. I had not elevated my xinxing in accordance with the requirements of the Fa. I was not steadfast in the Fa and was affected by my sentimentality until I nearly died. I had forgotten the mission of a Dafa practitioner and allowed the old forces to take advantage the loophole, and had a great fall along the way in my cultivation.

As my thoughts were stabilizing, people from the "610 Office" looked me up, and tried to utilize my illness to their advantage and to do great damage to Dafa. I steadfastly resisted them, saying, "My illness was due to your persecution, the immense pressure you imposed on me was too great to bear and together with my not doing well in cultivation it resulted in the illness. It had nothing to do with Falun Gong and my Teacher." In the end they left dejected. I refused to take medication and did not accept chemotherapy, but only acted by the standard of Dafa in my behavior and conduct. I totally recovered from the cancer.

Teacher said in Lecturing on and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference,

"In some isolated cases some students really did come down with an incurable disease. But think about it, so many people who had severe health problems or incurable diseases before they learned the Fa became well after learning Dafa, so why is it that some students on the other hand can't make things work? Is it that Dafa makes distinctions among sentient beings? Is it that I, your Master, treat students differently? I really have to ask you: Are you truly cultivating? Have you truly followed Dafa's requirements? Are you clarifying the facts with the human mindset of disagreeing with the persecution of Falun Gong, or are you validating the Fa and saving sentient beings truly from the standpoint of a Dafa disciple? Yes, the old forces have arranged for some people to get in, but why is it that most people can handle things now but you can't? Haven't I taught the Fa to you?!"

After learning what Teacher meant in this passage, I really couldn't hide from myself. The words that were difficult to be uttered about my shame and remorse had my spirit quivering. I thought, "I cannot just gain from the Fa and contribute nothing. Teacher has given me so much. Just to be a qualified practitioner in this period of Fa-rectification, not letting Teacher be worried about us, not letting Teacher bear our burdens, but to do well the three things that Teacher wants us to do, discarding all the attachments, be determined not to turn back and embark on the tide of validating Dafa, only then can we show our gratitude towards our venerable Teacher's mercy and salvation."

These are my own experiences. If I did not understand correctly or understood inappropriately, will fellow practitioners please point these out to me? From now on in my cultivation, I will practice according to the requirements of the Fa, cherish this opportunity that occurs once in tens of millions of years, and go forward with courage and strength.