(Clearwisdom.net)

My name is Zhuo Qilin. I'm a student in the College of Chemistry of Yantai University. I started practicing Falun Gong in 1998. Over the past several years, I have experienced the joy that comes from practicing Falun Gong, but I have also taken detours. Each time I detoured I lost confidence in my cultivation practice, and it was Teacher's compassionate protection that brought me back to the righteous path again.

One time in 2000, another practitioner and I were arrested while distributing materials that explained the facts of the persecution against Falun Gong. We were detained in the Yantai Detention Center for fifteen days. After returning to school, because I refused to denounce my belief in Falun Gong, my school suspended me for one year. One year later I still refused to sign their statements requiring me to renounce my belief which they called a "Transformation Statement" (1). The school suspended me for another year. When a new semester was about to start, seeing that I still insisted on practicing Falun Gong, and worried that I could lose my student status, my father put me into a brainwashing session in Linyi City in an attempt to make me denounce my belief. In the brainwashing session, because my righteous thoughts were not strong enough, I was forced into writing three statements renouncing my belief (2) against my conscience, which is something that a Falun Gong practitioner absolutely should not do. After returning to school, I knew that I had made a mistake. Failing to understand things from the principles of Falun Gong, I constantly sank into self-blame and guilt, from which I could not break free, and therefore lost confidence in cultivation practice.

Because I was not clearheaded, several months later a tumor grew on my neck. I knew the underlying cause of all this, but I still was not awakened by this. I still had thoughts that I was a hopeless case and unworthy to practice Falun Gong. Even so, deep inside I still knew that I should not denounce Falun Gong because it was basis of my best qualities and living a good life. Perhaps it was because Teacher saw this heart of mine that he took care of me and gave me compassionate hints. Afterwards I came into contact with several fellow practitioners. It was with my fellow practitioners' encouragement and help that I started anew to genuinely practice Falun Gong. Gradually, my tumor started to dissolve. But it was a very painful time period. Oftentimes I wrapped the wound with gauze which would then become soaked with pus. When I slept, the pus would ooze all over the pillowcase. In the daytime, the pus would smear my clothes so I had to change constantly. I knew that the tumor was bad.

Afterwards, while exchanging e-mails with fellow practitioners, I was spotted by agents from the Yantai National Security Bureau. When they found me, they gave me the impression that they really knew everything about me. If I withheld something from them then they would supply the answer. It was like what Teacher said in "Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Atlanta Fa Conference":

Perhaps the lingering shadow of the brainwashing session I had been subjected to still had an effect on me. At the time, all I thought about was myself, and my parents' tears and pleading. I completely forgot that I was a Falun Gong practitioner and forgot about Teacher's compassionate and painstaking salvation. I started to blame myself and feel guilty again, and this forced me to compromise with them.

This time I really felt that I was knocked to the ground and defeated. That self of mine who seriously lacked confidence cried out to Teacher, "Teacher! Teacher! You've said that you would save me. How do you save a person like me?" However, every time after I cried out, I felt heart-wrenching pain. I knew that was not me. After I returned to school, the agents came looking for me every once in a while. They hypocritically claimed that it was for my own good. They found several people they thought had thoroughly renounced their belief in Falun Gong to coerce me to do the same. They also said that in the future they would ask me for favors. I knew they were referring to making me work for them as a spy.

During that time period the pus on my neck kept oozing. I didn't know where so much pus could come from. One day I suddenly realized that it was a hint telling me that the divine side that I'd attained through cultivation was disintegrating and falling. I was stunned and I then realized how serious a problem I had. My world was collapsing and sentient beings were being annihilated, all because of my sins. I realized that I was too selfish. I could disregard my own life, but should I just sit and watch the sentient beings in my world being annihilated? Back then they had such a high expectation for me and now I felt I was being so irresponsible! I came to understand the issues I was facing. Deep inside myself I told Teacher, "I want to get up on my feet! I want to stand up for sentient beings."

Ever since then, I was able to find ways to reject the National Security agents' assignments. In addition, the evil things they've done are things that can't stand the light of day and things that they fear being exposed. They told me over and over again, "Only a few of us know about this. Don't ever tell anyone else." Besides, because I'm a Falun Gong practitioner, their purpose was to have me contact overseas Falun Gong practitioners. They expected me to first earn overseas Falun Gong practitioners' trust, then ask overseas practitioners what they were working on or what event they were preparing. They also wanted to find out technical information by using an excuse that it was for stopping satellite TV Interception, and they wanted to see if overseas practitioners could be lured over to help them. Moreover, one of their devious means was to fabricate setting up truth-clarification material sites as a means to ask for monetary support. These were the terrible things they wanted to do and couldn't bear to see the light of day.

Even so, I still did not completely reject all these things and I continued to deal with them to some extent. I knew what I did was not upright, and in order to completely oppose all these arrangements I began to study the Fa more so as to strengthen my righteous thoughts. Slowly, a miracle happened. My wounds gradually healed and the tumor shrank. I did not undergo any medical treatment during this time. I knew that it was Teacher who again scooped me up from hell and gave me a new life. I witnessed Falun Dafa's miracle, Teacher's greatness and compassion through my experiences.

Later, our truth-clarification material site was damaged, and several Falun Gong practitioners were arrested. As a result, now I have been forced to leave home to escape the persecution. I have wanted to write about my experience, but various notions have stopped me from doing that until Teacher gave me a hint in a dream. In my dream, a National Security Bureau agent sent for me, and he took me to the edge of a tall building where I could fall down at any minute. After waking up I realized that I should write out this experience of mine from that period and completely oppose all these things. I hope I can send a wake up call to practitioners who have taken detours and sank into self-blame and guilt. Teacher is watching over us every moment of time, and Teacher treasures us more than we treasure ourselves.

Here I would also like to advise those National Security Bureau agents, don't be accomplices to a dictator's evil deeds. You are also victims of this persecution. Don't destroy your lives' future for the sake of your special occupation.

(1) "Transformation Statement" is a statement to declare that he or she is remorseful for practicing Falun Gong and guarantees not to practice Falun Gong again, not to go to Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong, and never again associate with any Falun Dafa practitioners.

(2) "Three Statements" - Practitioners are coerced under brainwashing and torture to write these as proof that they have given up their belief. Created by the "610 Office," the three statements consist of a letter of repentance, a guarantee to never again practice Falun Gong, and a list of names and addresses of all family members, friends and acquaintances who are practitioners.
Chinese version available at http://www.minghui.org/mh/articles/2004/3/22/70581.html