I Found My Fundamental Attachment

By a Dafa practitioner in China

(Clearwisdom.net) In the past when I studied Master's article "Towards Consummation," I always felt good about myself and thought that I didn't have any fundamental attachments. I thought the reason for me to cultivate Dafa was that Dafa was what I had been looking for. As a result, I never seriously looked within for any fundamental attachments.

Several years passed and I kept feeling that there was a "mountain" on my path of cultivation. I could not get rid of it regardless of how hard I tried. My cultivation situation was alarming to me, as it was very hard for me to calm down when studying the Fa or doing the exercises. It bothered me a lot, but I thought this was normal for my "cultivation state."

Several things that happened recently woke me up. I started to look within myself and at my cultivation and review what initially led me to cultivate.

I was very pessimistic when I was little. I always thought that life was about suffering. Later I thought that love was the only way out of the suffering. However, I failed several times in trying to establish such a relationship. I thought about suicide or of leaving home to become a nun. I cried everyday, thinking that life was full of too much suffering. Luckily, I found Dafa. I felt that I had finally found the way to get rid of the suffering in my life. I came to Dafa with this attachment. I finally found my fundamental attachment, which was that I wanted to avoid suffering. I started cultivating in order to avoid suffering in the human world.

My attachment was that I was not willing to endure any suffering. That was why I found the brainwashing propaganda reasonable when I listened to it in the detention center. This was in line with my attachment to seeking personal comfort. That was why I was "transformed" so easily. Of course, that I did not study the Fa well was another reason. With such a fundamental attachment, how could I study the Fa well? This also explained why I still had strong attachments to fear and why I could not totally step forward to validate Dafa. I was afraid of being arrested and enduring suffering again.

This also explained why, even after I had cultivated for so long, I still could not face criticism. I always felt thrown off by and argued against any criticism. On the other hand, when others praised me, I felt very good, since it was in keeping with my notions. Such notions impacted my studying the Fa and doing the exercises. I even wasted my time on frivolous activities instead of spending that precious time saving people. This was totally against cultivation standards and against my responsibilities as a Dafa cultivator. How could I do the three things well with such notions?

When other practitioners were doing the three things well, I was bogged down by my human notions and pursuits. What an impure heart I had. I only wanted to obtain benefits from Dafa. I yearned for human desires and forgot my responsibilities in this human world. This was not what a Dafa practitioner's thoughts and behaviors should be.

When I was lost in my human notions, a married man praised me and wanted to date me, and my heart was moved. This set off an alarm bell within me, and I started to look inward to understand how I could be moved by such an immoral request. Although I refused him on the surface, why did I feel so disappointed to let such a feeling go after so many years of cultivation? Was it simply because I did not let go of qing? I felt troubled and asked for help from fellow practitioners. After studying the Fa and strengthening my righteous thoughts with my fellow practitioners' help, I gradually overcame the attachment.

At that point, a fellow practitioner was arrested. This woke me up and I started to look inward. I was shocked when I found my fundamental attachment. How could I do Dafa work well with such a giant omission? How could such an attachment not be taken advantage of by the evil? Why did I not realize such an attachment earlier? How could I have such an impure heart? What other attachments did I have?

When I was feeling really regretful, I read a practitioner's article "Human Beings or Immortals?" on the Minghui/Clearwisdom website. The article truly woke me up. I realized that I would lose my precious opportunity if I didn't correct this, which means I would not only do a disservice to myself and the sentient beings in my world, but I would also be unworthy of our great, benevolent Master's salvation. I was wrong once, yet Master did not give up on me. I must do well from now on.

Looking more deeply inward, I found that all these mistakes were caused by my not studying the Fa well. Once I found my fundamental attachment and the reason why I had ignored my fundamental attachment for so long, I could feel the "mountain" on my cultivation path shrinking. I now believe that I can eliminate such a mountain. I am not afraid of enduring suffering any more, and my attachment to fear is shrinking. My righteous thoughts are strengthening, and all my human notions are disappearing. As a Dafa practitioner, we should be able to let go of the attachment of life and death. What else can we not let go of? I will do well the three things Master told us Dafa disciples to do. I must be worthy of Master's benevolent salvation, and I must not let the sentient beings in my world down.

Chinese version available at http://minghui.ca/mh/articles/2005/11/5/113779.html

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