(Clearwisdom.net)
Greetings, Master. Greetings, fellow practitioners.
I have never had the initiative to want to write a cultivation experience sharing article since our first UK Fa conference. Especially after listening to practitioners sharing how they have progressed through diligently practicing. I normally feel anxious when I talk about my cultivation in front of veteran practitioners, knowing that I have only been inching forward and have not made any breakthroughs, not to mention the times when I have slipped backwards. I felt like there really wasn't anything worthwhile to talk about. Anyway, if what I talk about is just low level stuff, which would indicate that I have not understood the Fa well or worse still, wrongly, then wouldn't I be exposing how badly I have been cultivating? This made me more determined to stay quiet. There are many practitioners who are doing very well. Let them share their good experiences. I know in the end there will be people who write articles for the conference. In any case, I am always busy and would find it extremely hard to sit quietly to write anything. I didn't think it would make any difference not having my article.
What I was not aware of were the numerous attachments hiding behind these thoughts. I have even allowed them to flourish in my ignorance. Now that I have spotted them, I will seize this opportunity to expose and get rid of them.
The first I see is selfishness. Master has acknowledged the importance of the Fa conference and that practitioners' sharings are beneficial for my cultivation and so I am always glad to attend. It is even better if the conference preparation is done well. If not, I have grumbled or even disapproved openly but have not thought of contributing positively to ensure that the conference will take place smoothly or, for example, offer to write an article to share. Without practitioners' cultivation experience sharing, the conference will lose its meaning. And yet I was quite prepared to sit and wait for others to organize the conference so I could just turn up and benefit. I feel utterly ashamed of my selfishness considering I have been calling myself a cultivator for so many years.
The other attachment I see is competitiveness. I see fellow practitioners have cultivated well and their sharings are really wonderful. If I was to share mine, it would appear weak and lack substance. What I have not understood well is that in our cultivation, we are cultivating ourselves and refining ourselves. Everyone is on different levels, in different environments, and walking different paths. How can everyone be the same? I may have slightly poorer enlightenment quality and therefore be slower in understanding the Fa. But is my improvement not through my own efforts? Whether the improvement is big or small, it is still my achievement. There is no need to compare this with other people's success.
Zealotry usually comes hand in hand with the above attachments. That is the desire to hear praises when I think I have done something good. What is more, if practitioners spotted my omissions and pointed them out to me I might feel uncomfortable or even be unable to take it. As a result of these negative thoughts, these attachments had been allowed to fester inside, time and time again.
So far, just thinking about writing an article has exposed these attachments. How can we not say we benefit ourselves directly by writing articles?
What is more, to cultivate in the great Law, to have Master imparting the Fa and leading me upward one step at a time, arranging for me to get rid of bad things and rectifying my whole being: Is this an ordinary task? Of course not. It is because during the process of my cultivation, I haven't had any palpable experiences. But I do know I am elevating constantly. This change is a direct result of my aspiration to be good. I trust everyone here shares this aspiration. Our gathering is then a union of fellow practitioners in a pure environment, for the mutual benefit of upgrading as a whole body, sharing our cultivation experiences. We should feel at ease, uninhibited, and in total harmony.
I will share with you my experiences in getting rid of some of my attachments.
Before I put pen to paper, a practitioner phoned me, urging me to write an article for our conference. She said, "You have done so much. There must be quite a lot you can share with everyone." After putting the phone down, I reflected on what the practitioner had said. She didn't say I have made any improvements in my cultivation, she just said I have being doing things. I know I have not done much, so had she not pointed out to me my attachment of 'doing things'? Ever since I obtained the Fa, I have been keen to let people know about this great cultivation way. Soon after the persecution started, I tried to be part of the group in clarifying the truth as much as possible. I have been acting as a local contact for a number of years and have seen practitioners come and go. This made me feel I was responsible for the work locally. I tried to arrange everything as much as possible and as a result spent much of my time and effort on getting the work done, equating doing work to cultivation. The attachment of 'doing things' slowly developed. During that period of time, Fa study was just a formality for me. Without the Fa, I was only an ordinary person. When problems arose I forgot to look inside. I found it hard to listen when practitioners pointed out my gaps. My cultivation came to a halt. Although I have told people I cultivate in Dafa, practice 'Truthfulness, Compassion and Tolerance,' and look inward when I come across problems, when I read Master's words 'Examine each and every deed, Accomplishing is cultivating,' I realized I had not been truly cultivating.
I stayed in this state for quite a long time before becoming aware that something was not quite right, although I couldn't put my finger on it. One day a practitioner said to me, "Have you not yet understood why practitioners have come and gone? Have you realized what this means? Can you not see it is a problem of yours?" When I heard this, I felt quite sad. I then started to realize the significance of this. While others have improved and moved on, I am still running on the same spot. From then on, I began to learn how to look inwards. It would be awful if I stopped the whole group from moving forward because I didn't cultivate well and became a burden. Although my realization came a bit late, nevertheless I am starting to cultivate.
In March last year, the UK version of the Chinese Epoch Times first went to print. Due to my ability to read traditional Chinese, I was asked to help with the proofreading. I worked alongside another practitioner who came from Taiwan. Our job was to pick out the simplified Chinese words and offer the corresponding traditional ones. I was delighted to be included in the staff and determined to give my best.
My Chinese background is limited to nine years of education in Hong Kong. What I know about the great Chinese culture is no more than skin deep. I was invited because others' commitment and circumstances had prevented them from helping out. My proofreading partner is a gentle, humorous, and extremely patient person. His command of Chinese is much better than mine, so when I have queries, I go to him.
The page editors I work closely with are very generous and kind. They often say encouraging words to me and reassure me they are happy with my work. As time went by, I gradually began to develop this illusion that I was capable and self-important. This came out in the assertive way I talked. I carried on behaving like this until a few months ago. My proofreading partner phoned to talk about something relating to our work. I don't know whether it was something I said or a suggestion I had made earlier which prompted him to make the call. He started by reminding me that, due to the importance of our work and the fact that we are in charge of the final proofreading, we might feel some kind of self-imposed authority...When I heard the word 'authority,' I was shocked, as if someone had tread on a very sensitive and protected part of me. I didn't hear anything he said after that. Authority? Am I in pursuit of this? Am I doing this work to satisfy some attachment of mine? Am I looking for praise from others? Instantly, a big attachment that had been hiding deep inside was tossed out for all to see. I trembled with excitement as I knew this dirty substance could now be cast away. It has still tried to rear its head from time to time after that, but it is so much weaker and so much easier for me to get rid of it. In fact, had I not been cultivating in this immense Fa, how would I be able to shoulder such a task with what little skill I possess as an ordinary person? In any case, the ability that has been bestowed upon me from the Fa is for me to take care of this. It would not do if the work is not accomplished.
Next, I would like to share with you my experience regardiing my relationship with my cultivator daughter. Soon after I obtained the Fa, I encouraged my three daughters to read Zhuan Falun and to practice Falun Dafa. My elder two daughters, who were already in their teens, decided that, although the practice was good, it was too hard for them to give up their attachments and so did not go beyond that. My youngest was nine at the time and was keen to take her mother's advice. That was seven years ago. As she grew, the chances of her coming into contact with the big dye vat increased. At the same time, the amount of Dafa related work that I had to do increased. This was on top of housework, the things I do for my mother and in-laws, things I have to take care of for the three girls, plus I have to go to work at least two days a week. This made the situation very tense for me. When I looked around, I saw that I might be able to save some energy on looking after my daughter who is also a cultivator. All I needed to do was to remind her how to behave as a diligent cultivator. When she did something wrong, I pointed it out to her using Fa principles. She normally just accepted the criticism quietly. I not only failed to reflect on the situation and see where I had not done well but instead thought that I was correct.
One day, as I reminded her to study the Fa, she said to me, 'Mum, you are more like a fellow practitioner than my mum to me. You care little about what I do other than my cultivation.' It was then I realised that I have not been a good mother. It is of course right to be concerned about her cultivation, but since we live in the ordinary human society, what we do should conform to everyday people's society. I know it takes a lot to bring up a child, especially in a morally corrupt society like we are in. Someone said to me recently, 'You Chinese people come to the Western world to live in freedom and yet you are very strict with your children. They are beings, too, and they should have freedom.' As cultivators we all know how moral standards, Western or Eastern, are sliding down. There is not a piece of pure land except where we are.
I know very well what it takes to raise a child properly. Apart from the material necessities, parents have to give plenty of care, guidance, and encouragement. And I had left my responsibility to Dafa.
She is my daughter as well as my fellow practitioner. We must have a strong predestined relationship. What she has provided is part of my cultivation environment. If I pushed this away, my cultivation would not be complete. From now on, I have to face up to my dual responsibilities and be a qualified practitioner mother.
The last topic of my sharing today is something I have been trying to avoid and have not done well.
I lived a fairly comfortable live before I started cultivating. However, the material things did little to ease the tension or reduce the clashes I had with others. I was bewildered by the meaning of life if life itself can be so miserable. I felt sad to think that I couldn't control my own life.
Once I started cultivating, my heart was light to know that as long as I follow the new path that Master has arranged for me, I will not have to go down the old and miserable path. Everything that comes my way are things to do with my cultivation. All I have to do is to get rid of all my attachments.
It is much easier said than done. I greatly under-estimated the number of attachments I have. They are so deeply rooted. It is extremely painful to shift them. When I have to face the acidic words from my in-laws or the unreasonable behavior of my husband, I have not been able to remain calm and unperturbed. That is when my attachments surfaced and my thoughts have dropped to that of an ordinary person. However, when I am in good form, I can do quite well.
I remember once when my mother-in-law was being unreasonable on the phone over her son's irresponsible behavior. This was not the first time she had talked to me this way. But this time, I wanted to tell her that what she was doing was not good either for her or for her son. I first checked that my thoughts were pure and then sent forth righteous thoughts to clean up our fields. I spoke with compassion, expressing my appreciation for her affection towards her son and trusted that she knew what was right and what was wrong. She listened quietly and then said, in an equally kind voice, something that I had never heard from her: that she realized she had been unfair.
From this incident I could see that, under layers and layers of attachments, lies the kind, true self of a being. It required me to drop all self-interest and act completely for her well-being in order to uncover her true self. This applies to clarifying the truth in saving sentient beings.
All in all, the problems lie within me. I haven't studied the Fa well enough. This makes getting rid of attachments difficult, the thoughts not pure, and the field not righteous. I looked upon them as my relatives and not sentient beings. Not only was I entangled in human sentimentalities, I had actually forgotten the fact that they came with a mission.
Master has reminded us again and again that there is not much time left. In the remaining time, I must do the three things that Master asks us to do and do them well. Study the Fa, send forth righteous thoughts, clarify the truth, and save sentient beings. When these are done well, attachments shall be no more, the field will be right, the environment will change and the effect of truth clarification will be good. Being a particle of the whole body, I will then play my part well. This journey will truly be worth it.
