By a Falun Dafa practitioner

(Clearwisdom.net) I started practicing Falun Dafa in 1996. I always thought that I firmly believed in the Fa and in Teacher. During the evil's rampant persecution, I was sentenced to three years at a forced labor camp. I never doubted Teacher or the Fa. Though I took some wrong paths because of my attachment to fear, I felt very sorry when I later came to realize my mistakes.

However, in the past year, some elements developed in my mind that caused me not to believe in Teacher and the Fa. My heart was no longer calm when I studied the Fa, and I couldn't focus when sending forth righteous thoughts. I wasn't willing to practice Dafa exercises. My communication with other practitioners wasn't great and I didn't want to do anything. When I was asked to share my experiences, I felt I had nothing to say and I didn't want to write anything. When I received the No. 247 edition of "Minghui Weekly," I saw an article in it entitled "Start with Ourselves to Get Fully Involved in the Fa Rectification." Cultivation is a very serious matter and time is limited. I suddenly woke up in my heart. I decided that from this moment on, I should expose the bad thoughts and elements that inhibited me from striving forward diligently. I should totally eliminate all of them.

I was detained for three years, and I suffered a lot. I eliminated many attachments and therefore I thought I had removed the attachment to fame, physical interests and fear. I thought I was very diligent. However, this March, Clearwisdom.net exposed how the evil party's death camps cruelly took and sold organs from living Falun Dafa practitioners. I was shocked and terrified. I didn't say it aloud, but I told myself in my heart, "You be careful. Do not get arrested again." How could I do well in studying the Fa and doing Dafa exercises, sending forth righteous thoughts and clarifying the truth with such a strong attachment in my heart? However, I didn't realize how dangerous this thought was until now sharing my experiences. Even with all my attachments, our benevolent Teacher is still watching me and protecting me. I felt I let Teacher down.

I want to share something here. One day this June, a few practitioners and I planned to distribute truth-clarification materials to a village. We forgot to send forth righteous thoughts before we left and we didn't coordinate with each other well. Thus, we lost each other on our way there due to the evil's interference. I was supposed to post some fliers, but I didn't know what I should do. It was so dark and I was all by myself. A thought came to my mind, "Don't go. You've never been to that village before and you don't know the way there. You're so afraid. Just go home and burn the materials. Nobody will know. Go back now. It's 9:00 p.m. already." I felt like crying. Eventually, I decided that I should not just go home. I started to recite Teacher's poem, "A Righteous God" (from Hong Yin Volume II),

When I recited the poem, I wasn't that afraid any longer. The truth clarification materials are about asking people to quit the evil party and its affiliates, and contain information about the parades around the world held in support of those who quit. They also expose the evil party's taking practitioners' organs. Thinking about the contents of the materials, I came to realize that I should not follow the old forces' arrangements. I am a Dafa practitioner, and Teacher protects me. I also have safeguarding gods at different levels. I should not be afraid of anything. I started to send forth righteous thoughts and ask Teacher to strengthen my righteous thoughts. Immediately, I felt I became very tall and I was no longer afraid. I dashed across the corn field and found a path. There is a cemetery along the path. I remember Teacher said, "Actually, we can see that when a person dies, the body that’s put in the morgue is nothing more than human cells in this dimension of ours" (Zhuan Falun). I told myself that there was nothing to be afraid of. When I got to the village, I started to post fliers while sending forth righteous thoughts. When I was half way done, I noticed some truth-clarification materials already tucked under some doors. I realized that other practitioners had been there. I didn't see anyone though. I then went back home.

When I got home, I became afraid of what could have happened. I couldn't imagine what could have happened if I followed the old forces' arrangements and if there wasn't Teacher's protection and strengthening. I got rid of a lot of fear as a result of this. However, my attachment to fame and physical interests became stronger, especially to physical interests. When we lost money, I would throw a temper tantrum at my husband and I even said I would divorce him. Fortunately, my husband is also a Dafa practitioner and we managed to work out our issues. Later I talked to some other senior practitioners and realized that it wasn't my true self. It was imposed by the evil and it was manifested from my thought karma and everyday people's notions. Our marriage became happier when I came to realize this.

Why did I have such an experience? I studied the Fa and looked inside and found that it was all because of my heart of selfishness. I was always afraid of losing something. Thus, I always thought of myself. Even as I'm writing this, I have the selfish thought of not exposing my selfishness. The Fa rectification has progressed this far already and time is limited. Meanwhile, I'm still holding on to everyday people's notions in one hand and Dafa principles in the other hand. I probably won't get anything if I continue on in this state. The reason that I have shared my experience is to help wake up those practitioners with similar issues to mine. Please, let’s not come to realize our problems only after we make mistakes.

Posting date: 12/27/2006
Original article date: 12/27/2006
Category: Practitioners' Insights
Chinese version available at http://minghui.ca/mh/articles/2006/12/14/144648.html

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