By Wang Bo

(Clearwisdom.net)

[Editor's note: Wang Bo, who used to be a college student, was once transformed by the CCP with various vicious means. The CCP widely used her case to defame Falun Gong on their propaganda.]

(Continued)

B. I Want to Cultivate Myself Diligently

After eliminating my demonic thoughts I found that I had a strong desire to write a letter to Master, telling him that I wanted to continue my cultivation and asking him not to stop taking care of me. Writing a letter to Master was something I had never dared to think about since the beginning of my cultivation. After I started my cultivation in 1996, I saw many practitioners shaking hands with Master when they saw him, which was unimaginable to me. I imaged if I saw Master I could only stand in a corner, not daring to approach him. This was because of my respect for Master, which was at the same time also mixed with my sense of inferiority. Perhaps I had a vague sense of having let Master down. This kind of thinking had made me feel for many years that Master was far away from me. I wondered whether or not Master was taking care of me. Actually, it was not that Master had not taken care of me; rather, it was me not been able to believe in Master and the Fa.

After reading "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles," I was shocked. I eagerly wanted to let Master know that I wanted to continue my cultivation, and I wanted to do well. I felt just like a child begging my parents not to desert me. It was then that I finally realized that I had not genuinely cultivated myself over the past years. Because of this I felt I was unqualified to be a Dafa disciple. In my mind I dared not claim, for all the justifiable reasons, that I was Master's disciple. However, wasn't it exactly because I was looking for an excuse for my failure to cultivate diligently? I wanted to come back to myself and do well. I am indeed Master's disciple, and Master has been taking care of me. If I dared not take Master as my master, how could Master take care of me?

Master said,

"But at that moment, some students' righteous thoughts weren't adequate, and so the persecution that they suffered became even more severe. When the evil was beating them they forgot that they were Dafa disciples, and they didn't think, 'I'll ask Master to help me.' Or, when some people did ask Master for help, they had a strong attachment of fear. When they were beaten and in a lot of pain, many of them cried out, 'Oww! Mom!' They completely treated this persecution as a persecution of ordinary human beings against other human beings. Then if I tried to protect them at that time, those old forces wouldn't stand for it, because they're upholding the principles of the old cosmos; they think those are the only principles of the cosmos, and they can't see the new cosmos. They would say: 'This is your disciple? Do you think he sees you as his Master? Has he regarded himself as a cultivator? Does he have righteous thoughts? Has he put aside the thought of life and death? Has he remained solid and unshakable, like diamond?' At those moments, Master really couldn't respond to them in the face of their criticism." ("Touring North America to Teach the Fa")

When I truly wanted to be Master's disciple and had truly eliminated my attachment to the feeling that Master did not want me anymore, I gradually found that the effects of my sending forth righteous thoughts had become better. My power of eliminating evil also became strong. I have even more realized that the evil is nothing and only Master's words count. I came to understand that cultivation means to cultivate myself solidly and diligently, and it is not limited to just doing the superficial things. So being able to persevere is crucially important. One should cultivate oneself diligently every day.

When one cannot do well, one should not become agitated or frustrated because acting that way is also a reflection of selfishness. One should not care about saving face, much less arguing for oneself. One should quickly acknowledge one's mistakes, adjust the thinking process, and not leave any gaps that the evils can take advantage of. One should deal correctly with the situation that the fellow practitioners mentioned about the mistakes one has made, as being afraid of someone mentioning a mistake itself also indicates that one wants to cover his or her mistakes and has not dug out the root cause of the mistakes. As a matter of fact, what does one need to cover up? It is just an act of deceiving oneself. In the other dimensions the numerous living beings can see it clearly. Wanting to cover something up can only make one become even more miserable, and can only slow down one's pace to return to one's true self.

Through looking inward I have now found the prime causes that had made me travel along the wrong path.

The reasons for my remaining in tribulation these past years were due to my lack of righteous faith in Master and Dafa. When Master asked us to do something I did not act accordingly or just did it without putting my whole heart into it. One who has failed to act according to the requirements of Dafa is not a genuine Dafa disciple. One who does not study the Fa will not understand the power of Dafa. It will be even more difficult for this person to affirm his or her righteous faith in Dafa. If that bad cycle is not stopped, one will drift further away from the Fa and drop back into humanness. Such a person will size everything up with human principles, criteria that have already become degenerated and warped. These warped principles can in no way free one's mind, but instead can make one become even more selfish, worse, and more degenerated, even worse than a human being.

Master said,

"Dafa can save all beings. I do not object to anyone coming to learn it, and in fact I have been teaching Dafa to all beings. The key point is that deep down inside these people do not regard me as their true master. Their purpose for learning Dafa is to use it to protect things deep down inside that they cannot let go of, things in religion, or God. This is an act of plagiarizing the Fa. The intention of using Dafa is itself an unforgivable sin. For some of them, however, the human side of their minds is not quite so aware; therefore, I have been observing them all along. Since I think that regardless of the reason they have taken up the path of Dafa, it is still a rare opportunity for them, I am giving wrongdoers another chance. After all, he or she was born into a time when Dafa is being spread widely, and he or she is also in a human body. I have been waiting for them to come to realize this.") ("Dafa Cannot be Used" in Essentials for Further Advancement)

In the past, Master could have been mentioning me.. But I have awakened this time and want to be a genuine Dafa disciple and truly follow Master's words. I will never again let Master down for his compassionate salvation. I will study the Fa more and well and eliminate the human notions and all evil elements that interfere with my righteous faith in Master and Dafa. Those doubts about Dafa are not part of me as my inborn nature has absolute faith in Master and Dafa.

One paragraph in Master's "Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. Fa Conference" (October 21, 2000 in San Francisco) has kept encouraging me. Whenever I feel hurt and dejected because of my past mistakes I will, recalling this paragraph from Master's lecture, regain my strength, firm my faith that the Fa rectification is bound to succeed, and strongly believe that I can break through all obstacles and go back home following Master. I want to cite this paragraph of Master's Fa to encourage each other, especially those practitioners who have been ensnared along the evil paths,

"The purpose of creating the Three Realms way back when was to have it be used by the Fa-rectification at this stage. So who would be the sentient beings in the Three Realms, what kinds of beings would be here, and what kinds of beings and what ways of existence for beings would be needed later on--which includes the beings' ways of thinking, how they conduct themselves, their cultures, and so on--all of these things would take shape over the course of history. But looking at them [now] during the Fa-rectification, [it seems] they were planned poorly, and that's because the old forces came about. What I'm saying is, many aspects of mankind aren't the way they are by accident, they're orderly. Exactly because they are quite orderly, they seem natural. But when it comes to things like whether or not a Dafa disciple can enter Dafa's door when the Fa is being taught, whether or not he'll continue to cultivate when going through a test, whether or not he can eventually progress towards Consummation, and whether or not a Dafa disciple can do well in validating the Fa when persecution or other forms of disturbance take place, these things depend on the individual himself. So in validating the Fa, you've all seen that there's a problem, namely, the old forces' emergence seriously interfering with the Fa-rectification and Dafa disciples. But no matter how they've interfered or how evil the things they've done are, when you look back you'll see that in fact nothing has "escaped from the Tathagata's palm." (Applause) And that's for sure. No matter what the old forces, the wretched demons, or the wicked human beings want to do, in the end things will have to be completed according to my Fa-rectification's requirements. Whether it's the various forms of disruption that occur during the process or the different kinds of behavior and states that certain students have shown, these things are no more than states manifest by the old cosmos's beings during the last stage of formation-stasis-degeneration-destruction, and [are no more than] certain disruptions to the Fa-rectification. But when it comes to Dafa itself, no one can damage it. And no matter how awful the pain is that Dafa disciples experience, in the end they will reach divinity."

"In other words, no matter how the evil persecutes us it can't achieve its goal, and in the end everything has to be harmonized according to the Fa-rectification's inevitable outcome. That's how it is. When there's disruption to the Fa-rectification, then during the Fa-rectification make use of the situation of disruption, and in the end the goal that Fa-rectification needs will still be accomplished, and that's for sure." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference" on February 28, 2004)

Since I began the cultivation practice in 1996, practicing the exercises has always been a big problem for me. I have done very poorly in this respect. I am afraid of suffering and pain. It was really that my karma was huge and I had a poor enlightenment quality and could not endure the hardship. I almost have not truly practiced the sitting meditation. In my limited way, several times of practicing the sitting meditation I felt suffering once I crossed my legs. I did not want to endure the pain, and I could not at all understand the realm of taking suffering as joy. This was related to my failure to strongly believe in Master and Dafa. If I had determined righteous faith, I would have had followed Master's words.

After July 20, 1999, although I looked like I didn't have many worries when I went to Beijing to validate Dafa, my attachment to fear was actually serious. It's OK when my xinxing was maintained well. When I wavered in my thoughts, especially when I was by myself, the attachment to fear would severely interfere with me. I was afraid of being beaten, of this or that, and couldn't treat these things with righteous thoughts. I didn't let go of attachments and didn't change my human notions; it seemed I was doing Dafa work as a normal person.

My fear of suffering hardship never changed. Since I started on the path of Dafa cultivation, I had always looked at cultivation and tribulations in a human way. I disliked suffering, hoped that I could live a more comfortable and happier life, and looked forward to the so-called happy human life. Affection among family members, friendship, love between man and woman, none of them could be let go of and it would be better if they were perfect. I disliked the mental torment. Since I didn't let go of selfishness, I gave in to my own feelings. I wholeheartedly hoped that other people could consider me as the center of everything, could endlessly care for me and protect me, and could cooperate with me to create a romantic life, matching that in my imaginations. Because I cared about my own feelings too much, I became frail and sensitive. I was sensitive to the slightest upset as the grass bends whenever the wind blows and would sigh with emotion. I even regarded the sick at heart, self-love, and sorrow as something beautiful and a sign that I was intelligent and attached to it. In fact, these were all warped notions. I stuck to these warped notions and allowed them to wantonly control me. My main spirit became weaker and weaker. Many things could move and touch me. I couldn't calm down and was always interfered with by all sorts of factors.

When I started on the path of cultivation I did know that Dafa is good and did hope that I would become better and better as my cultivation went on. Yet, I also felt that cultivation was really difficult and meant suffering, and what Master required of us was really high. Every time I read Zhuan Falun, I felt that Master's tone was very serious or even severe. I didn't have the same feeling as other practitioners, that Master is affable and compassionate. Because I didn't want to suffer then and thought that letting go of attachments was painful and hard, I only wanted to benefit from Dafa. It was not the case that from the depth of my heart I wanted to purify myself and melt into Dafa. I started to practice with the thought of "living a happier life," because after they had learned Dafa, my parents didn't want to divorce and didn't fight with each other like before. I thus felt happier. I thought that Dafa was really good. In the process of studying Dafa I looked forward to the state of no suffering and being in paradise.

Because I didn't fundamentally change my notions and disliked suffering, I was not active in studying the Fa or doing the exercises. I studied the Fa less; my righteous thoughts were also weak, and my human side was strong. Even today I still warn myself: "Do not come to Dafa just because of feeling pain and needing happiness. Cultivation is suffering. If we are seeking for happiness from Dafa, we are not truly cultivating. Once we face a test, it is easy to wince and shake." I went over the test of sentiment repeatedly; wasn't it because of that? I wanted to come back to Dafa, however, I was still afraid that doing so would damage my interests and my dream of "true-life" in human society. To give up those interests is also painful. What I could do?

Master asked us to attain righteous enlightenment of selflessness and altruism. What about me? I held onto human things with one hand and held onto Dafa with the other hand. Through studying the Fa I knew that my attachments that had accumulated for so many years had already piled up like a mountain in other dimensions. These notions could only be eliminated in the process of studying the Fa and moving forward diligently. Yet, this is exactly where the evil interfered with me. It was afraid that, if I was diligent, I would expose the evil and eliminate it. I should diligently study the Fa and make efforts to break through all the obstacles. I shouldn't indulge the evil and let it interfere me.

Selfishness made me develop another fatal shortcoming: Caring too much for my own feelings. When I felt happy, no matter what people did, everything was OK for me. When I felt unhappy, I then completely negated everything and didn't look inward. I would refuse to do anything and would even complain to others. This irrational mindset controlled me and made my main spirit muddled. Thus, I always went to both extremes and did things impulsively. It cannot be imagined how many mistakes I made and how much karma I accumulated. When I discovered this problem, I tried my best to calm down. Whenever my xinxing seems unstable or I feel dissatisfaction or hurt, I don't allow myself to make any decisions; instead, I remind myself that I shouldn't do anything rash and shouldn't try to avoid pain. Cultivation is suffering, and I shouldn't avoid it. After several tries I found that I was not as rash as before. I was stronger and not so weak.

Because I have had so many realizations after I came back to Dafa, this article is somewhat lengthy. After I finished this article I shared it with other practitioners. They reminded me that it was good for me to write down my problems, but I should know that writing the problems down didn't mean that I already successfully dealt with them through cultivation. I should be watchful and should not think that once it was written down it was accomplished. Writing an article cannot replace cultivation. I realized that I really should pay attention to this issue. I shouldn't limit my cultivation to words. Now that I have written down my shortcomings, I should be stricter with myself in cultivation. Fellow practitioners also reminded me that I shouldn't doctrinally understand Master's article "Pass the Deadly Test" and think that disclosing the evil in that period was "Passing the Deadly Test." Any human attachment not removed can become an obstacle in the path of further advancement. If I can't realize it and cultivate it away, it can also build up over a long period and form a "Deadly Test."

We all recalled that Master admonished us,

"Dafa disciples, all the way until their last step to Consummation, will be tested as to whether they can make it. There could be very, very critical tests for you all the way until you are just one step away from finishing. That is because every step becomes more and more critical to your cultivation and your tests, especially toward the end. You know, those lawless gods of the old cosmos will try to maneuver things until the very end, as long as they are still around. When you are not up to par, they will surely try to find a way to bring you down. They know that Li Hongzhi won't abandon you, so they will use all kinds of methods to make you fall. Having just one single thought be off will make a person falter. So the closer it is to the end, the more serious and crucial the tests will be." ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles")

Master didn't abandon me and gave me another opportunity to start over. I don't know how to express my gratitude to Master. I must do well, and do better and better.

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell any practitioners who have done something wrong and have been impeded by all sorts of factors and couldn't come back to Dafa:

"Don't forget our vows we made in prehistory. If only we have the courage to take the first step forward, if only we have the determination to truly correct our mistakes, then all the hardships and mental torment we encounter on the return path to Dafa will merely be part of the cultivation process. If only we steadfastly go forward, believe in Master and the Fa, disclose the evil, and constantly eliminate the evils' interferences, that is precisely what we are making up for and rectifying."

When I read Master's words at the end of the article "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles"

"The students sitting in the back have heard everything, right? (Applause) It doesn't matter that the students in the back are far away, as my countless Law Bodies are behind them. (Teacher laughs) (Disciples applaud warmly)"

I felt that Master was encouraging us and encouraging all the students who took detours.