(Clearwisdom.net) I started to practice Falun Dafa in 1996 in an environment where practitioners were not diligent. Owing to various reasons, the practitioners in my area have had not formed a very good group cultivation environment.
I have always been able to access the Minghui/Clearwisdom website. I keep doing what a Dafa disciple should do: I “clarify the truth” on the Internet, give out truth-clarification materials, clarify the truth to people face to face so as to persuade them to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its related organizations, spread the “Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party,” etc. Sometimes I cultivate diligently, sometimes not. Although I have stumbled, I was able to come to the present day with our benevolent Master's protection.
Looking back at the cultivation path that I have taken over the years, I have noticed a very big problem; that is, the tougher the environment, the more diligently I cultivate myself, while the more relaxed the environment, the more easily I slack off.
When the evil initially came down in an overwhelming way, I did not know what to do. This state lasted for two to three months. After I came to understand from the “Fa” principles that Falun Dafa is a righteous way of cultivation and there is nothing wrong with wanting to cultivate oneself in Falun Dafa, I started to clarify the truth face-to-face with strong determination. Because my “xinxing” was not very good at that time, I once loudly argued during one of my work unit’s middle-level meetings with my work unit leaders regarding the issue of Dafa practitioners’ going to Tiananmen Square to appeal. Although I was not very compassionate at that time, and I used an ordinary person's mindset of “no fear of heaven, no fear of earth” to clarify the truth, I was very determined and had strong faith in Dafa and Master.
However, as the environment improved, I often slacked off in my cultivation. For example, the several practitioners surrounding me (including my wife) were not very diligent in their cultivation. They sometimes did not study the Fa for several months in a row and basically did not do the work of clarifying the truth to people. I felt very worried about them. I shared my understandings with them and tried my best to help them. When I, with my efforts, could make them cultivate a little more diligently, I generated a sense of achievement and I slacked off a little in my cultivation. I spent time on leisure activities, talked more about ordinary people’s stuff, and/or let some of my bad thoughts run unchecked. At such times, Master always gives me hints in my dreams; in most cases, I will almost reach the top of a mountain by walking, driving, or cliff-climbing, and I will be only a short distance away from the top, but not be able to find where I could hold onto. Every time I could only go forward with a lot of difficulty, and it took great effort. I keep climbing, and in the end, I manage to reach the top. With the hints in the dreams, I could understand that I had not done very well for a period of time. I would then continue cultivating myself diligently without slacking off and realize I should persist until the end. In this way, I could make myself diligent in cultivation for a while. This kind of on-and-off cultivation state has repeated five to six times.
During the Chinese New Year period, I felt the environment was very relaxed, and I unknowingly slacked off again. Although on the surface I still kept studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts, clarifying the truth and persuading people to withdraw from the CCP and its related organizations, I just did these things for the sake of the formality. During the holiday, I had relatively more time. I slackened off: I watched television, played games, accompanied the elderly chatting, went shopping, etc. This cultivation state lasted until Master gave me a hint again (in my dream): The others could get to the top of a mountain from a narrow trail, while I climbed up from a side of the mountain where there were no trails. When I was about to cross the trail, I could only hold onto two small trees by the trail with my hands. The trail was very narrow and it was just wide enough to hold my two feet. I wanted to get up but was unable to turn my body. I tried several times and failed. I then turned my head and looked downward, and I saw that down the hill a little way I could get on the trail. I then decided to go down and take the detour. I was shocked when I woke up. How could I end up in such a cultivation state? How could I be so non-diligent? What was wrong with me?
I really should examine myself carefully to find out my problems. Once I searched within myself, I felt scared. On the surface it seems that I have not left Dafa, but in reality, I have been drifting further and further away from Dafa. When sending forth righteous thoughts, I cannot calm myself down; I sometimes think about my work, sometimes the trivial things of daily life, and sometimes things related to Dafa work. (Here exists a wrong notion in that I thought that my thinking about Dafa work was also a pretty good thing). In this way, every day, over ten minutes of my sending forth righteous thoughts passes very quickly. Although I keep reading Dafa books, what I read does not go into my mind; neither do I feel that I have gained new understandings. I also want to keep clarifying the truth. Sometimes when the environment is good (I can have strong righteous thoughts), I do well in clarifying the truth. But when the environment is not good, I will find excuses for myself by thinking, “Today the environment is not good. I will send forth more righteous thoughts instead. Next time when the opportunity comes again, I can certainly do well.” None of what I have done is based on the Fa, and none of it is in accord with the criteria for a Dafa disciple. I am drifting further and further away from Dafa.
Today I write down my thoughts, because, on one hand, I want to actively eliminate these bad thoughts and encourage myself to solidly and diligently cultivate myself, and on the other hand, I hope other practitioners, who have not cultivated themselves diligently, can make the best use of valuable cultivation time, which has already become less and less. We should not let Master down.
These are some of my personal understandings. Please point out anything improper.
