(Clearwisdom.net) I became a Dafa practitioner in 1996. Although I am not married, it has been extremely difficult to eliminate my attachment to lust. Prior to 1996, I was someone's mistress for fourteen years.

I recently finished reading the second volume of "Cultivate The Heart And Get Rid Of Desires," published (in Chinese) by the Minghui website. The book profoudly touched me, and I thought I should write about the difficult experience I had in eliminating the desire of lust. This is to completely uproot and eliminate my attachment to lust in this dimension so that I will never make this kind of mistake, and to share with others the lessons that I've learned.

It is embarrassing for me to talk about things I did in the past. Because I joined the work force a bit late and I thought I was a good catch, I wanted to find someone with good qualifications who was not an "average Joe." Five years later, I still had not found anyone I liked. By then, even though I was considered an "old age youth," (this is an expression used in China to refer to someone who is older but not married) I was not in a rush to marry. There was a male colleague at work who did not hold an important position and did not make much money. Nevertheless, he had a degree and work experience, and was a responsible and hardworking person. Because he worked long hours I sometimes washed his uniform. Although he was married with children, I did not think much of it at the time. I just thought we had a good and normal working relationship. One day, he asked me to go out and chat with him, and I quickly agreed. He said that he and his wife were not compatible, and that he wanted to divorce her, and wanted to date me. But he asked me to wait for him for three years until his children were a bit older. I cried but I agreed.

Prior to this I never thought I would be with a married man. But he was the only one at work that understood me well. He was like an older brother who loved me and a teacher that guided me. Therefore I thought it was fine to be with him. Under the influence of modern society's deviated concept of relationships, we began to date. Years later, we were still dating, and every time we dated I cried and asked him to divorce his wife so that we could marry. Since we were propelled by the attachment to lust, we did things that only husband and wife should do, and I always felt guilty afterwards. And I could not lift my head in front of others because of that guilt, as if I was a thief. But we kept doing the same thing every time we dated, living a low life. Later, his wife found out about our affair, which complicated things. At the time, I thought we were inseparable but did not know when we could become husband and wife.

I was overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow and my health was deteriorating. I became very weak until I began to practice Falun Gong in 1996. It took me two months to recover from a cold, and my lover had heart problems as well. When I rode a bike, I wished that a bus would hit me so that I would no longer have to suffer. Sometimes I thought about becoming a nun and leaving the secular world. I even contemplated suicide. At any rate, I felt hopeless.

In the summer of 1996 I began to practice Falun Gong. My purpose then was to obtain a healthier body. After beginning the practice I felt hope in my life.

At first I did one hour of exercises in the morning and evening, and because work was very busy I did not have time to study the Fa. Therefore I was not a cultivator and was like an everyday person. Every time we were together I was led by my inflated attachment to lust, and lost control of myself. Sometimes I did not think it was right, but he kept comforting me saying that we belonged to each other. I thought this made sense. Don't people in the society believe in "de facto marriage?" Many people were in the same situation, thus for many years, I devoted myself completely to him, as if I were his loyal wife. I could not unravel myself from the situation. It was like how Teacher described in Zhuan Falun,

"Of course, now society's moral level has changed, and even the moral standard has been perverted."

"When some people do bad things and you point it out to them, they don't even believe you--they really can't believe they're doing something wrong. Some people size themselves up with the fallen moral standard, and they think they're better than other people. That's because even the standard for measuring has changed."

At the same time, because I learned to practice Falun Gong, Teacher began to take care of me. After spending the night at my place for nearly ten years, my lover was no longer able to do so. Then, even though he could not stay at my place, we were still able to be together during the day every now and then. A few months later, I began to study the Fa, for about an hour a day. It was a very slow cultivation process. I had a very strong attachment to lust. Of the few times that we were together, we still did things we were not supposed to. I was so naive in thinking that Teacher would forgive me, until I studied the Fa and understood later that what I did was so disrespectful to Teacher and a crime against Dafa. At the time, I did not really want to eliminate my attachment to lust. But Teacher did not give up on me. It was around 1997 or 1998, after I spent time with my lover and was still excited, I began to cry suddenly, for no good reason. By then, I had already been studying the Fa for a period of time, and I thought maybe I had done something wrong. Later, when we wanted to hug each other, I was shocked by electric sparks coming from his clothes. I was a bit alarmed but had not completely eliminated the attachment to lust. It's just that the attachment was not as strong and I restrained myself quite a bit.

Prior to July 20, 1999 (when the persecution began), I heard Teacher's lectures on tape but was not able to obtain a copy of the book. I vaguely remembered that Teacher said that practitioners who want to marry need to be legally registered. However, because I had a lot of karma and had poor enlightenment quality, I did not realize the harm and the seriousness of being attached to lust, and I did not fundamentally eliminate my lustful heart and behavior. When the persecution began on July 20, 1999, the evil suppression was suffocating. Due to my attachment to sentimentality and fear, and because I had a shaky foundation in cultivation, I fell time after time. By then I had read Zhuan Falun many times, and although I was not diligent, Dafa was slowly changing me. My health improved somewhat from the practice and thus I could not leave Dafa. Therefore I was able to walk out of humanness time after time to validate the Fa.

Teacher must have noticed that I still wanted to cultivate, thus I was able to remember some of the passages in the lectures and asked myself to be a true disciple. For a long time, I thought I had eliminated the attachment to lust until "Teaching And Explaining The Fa At the Metropolitan New York fa Conference" was published in 2003.

Because of the things I've done as a result of my attachments to lust and desire and the deviated path I took during the persecution, even though I corrected myself afterwards, the old forces did not let me get away. From 2001 to 2003, my body was in a very bad shape, and I was very weak and sickly. Prior to this, Teacher tried to point it out in my dreams, but there was this big loophole that I did not seal in time. On the surface I seemed to be defeated by the illness. I was not able to carry anything weighing more than five kilos (11 lb.), and while walking, I had to rest every 200 meters. I desperately needed someone to help me, but none of my relatives were able to. Under the circumstances, my ex-lover came to take care of me during the day. We had not been close physically for a long time and probably had not hugged in two years. Although we talked about breaking up, I still wanted to make a clean end of this matter.

I told him about my thoughts, that I wanted to be a true practitioner according to the standard of the Fa, and walk a dignified path. I said a lot, and I cried when I recalled my treacherous past. Although I was emotional, it was not the kind of emotion between a man and a woman. I said goodbye to the past, something that should have never happened. I knew this was a test that a true practitioner must pass, no matter how hard it was. I was not anxious and did not hesitate. Several days later, I was able to increase the sitting meditation, until one day I meditated for two hours and ten minutes, something I had not previously been able to do. Afterwards I realized what I did was correct, and Teacher was encouraging me and helping me.

Ever since I let go of the strong attachment to sentimentality and lust, I was able to experience the feeling of being a dignified person. I felt that compassionate Teacher scooped me out of hell and gave me a new life. After passing the test, I realized that lust and the deviated relationship between a man and a woman were like a poisonous snake that can bite and wound a person's body. It is also like a glass of sweet but poisonous wine that can kill someone. And it can act like a shackle that prevents a practitioner from returning to their true self.

A non-practitioner friend that knew me well told me, "Life has been very unfair to you." But I disagreed with her. This was the result of karma from my past, that became tribulations in this life, and Teacher mercifully resolved them for me because I practice Dafa. I came here for Dafa, and practicing the Fa is the best thing that could happen to me. After I got rid of those attachments I truly understood the real meaning of "what's given up is not oneself, but instead the folly of delusion", "Discarding Attachments" from Hong Yin II Version A

From now on I will continue to eliminate attachments and do the three things that Teacher asked us to do, with a pure heart and truly melt into the Fa.

At the end of last summer, a practitioner in my area passed away as a result of sickness karma. I visited her a few times before the end. She was a very petite and thin woman. Even though she was able to withstand the pressure and leave a forced labor camp after two years of imprisonment, she suffered tremendously from sickness karma and eventually died. Many practitioners visited her. Those who knew her well said that the biggest excuse the old forces had for persecuting her was that she was living with her ex-husband. By the time she realized the severity of the situation, it was already too late. I regretted her departure. I'm not criticizing this practitioner. We both learned very hard lessons. Cultivation is sacred and serious. I only wish to remind myself and others.

My level of understanding is limited. Please kindly point our anything inappropriate.