How I Learned to Look Inward

By Xiao Xiu, a practitioner from mainland China

(Clearwisdom.net) I am a young Dafa practitioner from China and I have no other practitioners living nearby to communicate with. I used to read the articles posted on the Minghui/Clearwisdom website nearly every day, but I didn't pay much attention to sharing my understandings based on the Fa, so I made mistakes and took a detour. Later on, the Minghui website editors mentioned that we should pay attention to the articles in "Minghui Weekly". I read them and tried to improve myself based on my understanding of the Fa. I started to look inward.

The following are some of my experiences after I began looking inward.

My husband is also a Dafa disciple. He endured much hardship after July 20, 1999 (when the persecution began), and he doesn't do very well right now. He always claimed that he was a Dafa disciple but he didn't do the three things. He felt sleepy every day and would go to sleep as soon as he came home. His xinxing is no different from that of ordinary people. I was very worried for him, but even if I pointed out his problem, he still remained in the same state. If I talked too much about it, he would be unhappy and even curse me out sometimes. I couldn't think of any other way to approach him, and I finally decided that I wouldn't say anything and just let him do what he wanted. But in the bottom of my heart, I still cared for him. Sometimes when I read the Fa, I might think that this paragraph was talking about this problem of his and that paragraph was talking about that problem of his. I always felt that if I didn't tell him about his problems, I would feel uncomfortable. But no matter how I talked to him, he just ignored me.

The situation remained like this for a long time. Master tells us that we should look inward whenever we meet with any problem, and there are many articles about how other practitioners look inward. So I tried to look inward and found out that I had an attachment to others' attachments. I would feel uneasy when I found other people's attachments. I also found that I have a heart of jealousy. It made me feel unbalanced to see that he didn't make any effort to improve himself. I would keep on thinking: all of us are Dafa practitioners, so why do you behave like this? Why don't you act according to Master's requirements? I had a vague thought that I suffered losses because of it.

After I had looked inward, we got along a little better. But I still felt that the situation was not completely resolved. I still didn't feel satisfied with his behavior, but I knew that I couldn't impose my opinion on others. Even though I kept my thoughts to myself, I found it hard to control myself. I looked inward again and found that I had a wrong notion. I only thought of him as my husband and my family member. I suddenly remembered an article published on the Minghui website about failing to clarify the truth to family members. I realized that I had done the same thing. I had requirements of others based on sentimentality (qing) and because of this, the results were the opposite of what I wanted. I remembered that my younger sister said that she had planned to study the Fa, but since I always urged her to read, in the end she lost interest. That is my problem. Since I had an attachment to sentimentality about my husband, I always wished that he would cultivate well. Because I treated him differently, I got the opposite result from what I wished for. Besides I also had this selfish thought: we could set up a small truth-clarification materials production site in my home, but if my husband doesn't do the three things, we might not be safe and he might have a negative impact on me. This notion itself acknowledged the old forces. Therefore the old forces found an excuse to cause interference. Later on my husband even started smoking and drinking.

As I gradually began to understand the situation from the viewpoint of the Fa, my husband's state began to improve. He started to participate in sending forth righteous thoughts. Actually Master is in charge of everything. As long you do what you are supposed to do as a Dafa disciple, your environment will improve. Your environment is actually a reflection of your cultivation state. When you see others' attachments, you should first check your own situation, look inside, and truly improve yourself.

It's easy to say this. I really had to cultivate myself to come to the point where I could realize this. It is very important for us to share our understandings based on the Fa. If you don't truly improve your xinxing, then your cultivation is false.

This it is only my understanding at my current level.

August 11, 2008

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