(Clearwisdom.net) In my cultivation, I have gone through some detours. After talking with fellow practitioners, they encouraged me to write down my experiences to share with others. I hope others can learn from my lessons to avoid making the same mistakes and causing damage. This is being responsible to the Fa, to fellow practitioners, and to sentient beings.
I began practicing Falun Gong in July 2005. Initially, there was some interference, but I was very firm and knew that I must persevere in my cultivation. Every day, I studied the Fa and did the exercises with veteran practitioners. As I was approaching the age of marriage, in the winter of 2005, someone introduced a man to me. At that time, since I was a new practitioner and did not have a good understanding of the Fa, I wasn't sure what to do. I asked veteran practitioners and they said that Master had asked us to conform to ordinary human society. I also read in Zhuan Falun, "In our cultivation way, the period of time when we cultivate among ordinary people should not be used to live as monks or nuns. The young practitioners should still establish families." (Lecture Six) Thus I became engaged.
The persecution was severe in our area. Due to my attachments to fear, I did not want others to know I was a cultivator. My fiance's family only knew that I studied Buddhism (before I studied Falun Gong I practiced Buddhism). I didn't really tell his family. Sometimes I tried to clarify the facts to them, but only indirectly, and I was not able to do it well. As a result, his family did not know the truth at all. In our region, because of the practitioners' fear, the evil was rampant, and many ordinary people did not know or accept the truth.
Two years passed, and his family wanted us to get married. At this point, I had studied the Fa quite a bit, and understood Fa rectification, the three things practitioners must do, and the salvation of sentient beings. I didn't know what kind of predestined relationship I had with his family. I thought since things had developed this way, I should marry the person in order to save them. Actually the thought of saving them was also a pursuit. When I moved into his family, I did the exercises and sent forth righteous thoughts. I thought I must do the three things Master asked us to do. I also tried to persuade his family members to quit the Communist Party.
A few days after we got married, one morning as I was sending forth righteous thoughts, he woke up and stopped me angrily. It seemed as though the evil was controlling him. (A few days before, he also tried to stop me, because he couldn't accept my cultivation. But it wasn't as serious as this time.) I was very calm and remembered that Master said we shouldn't fight back or treat ourselves as ordinary people. However, it still moved me. Since I was a young child, I had cared very much about what others thought of me. I felt that we were still newly-weds, and he was not treating me well. I became upset and moved back home with my parents. He visited my family several times to try to persuade me to go home with him. I said, "If you let me practice cultivation, I will go home with you. If not, I will not return." In my mind, cultivation was the most important. In the end, we were divorced. My marriage lasted less than one month.
Looking back, I could see a lot of attachments and selfishness on my part. I was afraid of having children, since children could interfere with my cultivation. My husband's family did not understand. Also, my cousin was a cultivator, and she had been married for many years without children. My husband's family was afraid that I would follow the same path. For ordinary people, that's how the family carries on. That's why they were so against my cultivation practice, to the point of willing to divorce me. It wasn't until then that I realized that I should clarify the facts to his family, but it was too late. I only thought about saving them when problems emerged. My heart was not pure. I did not think about their future. The old forces took advantage of this loophole and controlled them. His family basically said if I cultivate, their son would divorce me. At that time, I thought the choice was easy: of course I should choose cultivation. All kinds of attachments surfaced: competitiveness, resentment, selfishness, and attachments to fame and gain. I thought I was cultivating and was steadfast. I thought I had not been moved by human emotions and chose cultivation. I thought I could give up everything.
Later, as I studied the Fa, I read Master's words, ""Cultivation is about cultivating one's self. No matter what kind of state emerges, you need to take a hard look at yourself." ("Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital") Looking back, wasn't I trying to solve the problem from within the problem? Why didn't I have any compassion? I didn't realize that while pursuing comfort for my cultivation, I pushed so many people to the opposite site of Dafa. Because of my attachment to vanity and selfishness, I prevented the salvation of so many beings. This was not consistent with the Fa at all! The old universe is based on selfishness. I was cooperating with the old forces, yet I thought I was doing the right thing. I had always considered myself first and failed to think whether other sentient beings can be saved.
I am writing this in the hopes that other younger practitioners can be calm and examine things from the perspective of saving sentient beings. We cannot be selfish and harm Dafa. Also, I made a mistake in not telling my husband I was a cultivator before we got engaged. My failure to clarify the facts had caused a lot of damage to Dafa.
When I truly understood how to look inside, I saw so many of my shortcomings. Time is running short. We cannot harbor any human attachments. We must pay attention to every thought of ours and look inward, in order to cultivate well and save more sentient beings.
These are my understandings at this current stage. I hope fellow practitioners can learn from my mistakes and avoid such detours. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate. Heshi.
