After I wrote some articles criticizing the persecution of Falun Gong on the Internet, some of my friends inquired of me; what was I trying to accomplish with my articles? I am not a Falun Gong practitioner and I do not even know any Falun Gong practitioners. By my criticizing the authorities, other than getting into some trouble, there can be no benefit whatsoever. The situation in China will change when it is time. Before reaching that stage, it is useless to make comments regardless of what people say. Better keep quiet. Persecution of Falun Gong is not a hindrance to me anyway, so why not keep silent?
I know this point too well. But knowing what I now know, I cannot remain silent anymore.
My dear friends, first, let me tell you a story.
It was the summer of 1966, at the beginning of the Great Cultural Revolution. I became a "Counter Revolutionary" over night. From this point on, I was forever classified as the one with "Reactionary Ideology." During the past 20 years, I seldom brought up my experience and encounters during the Cultural Revolution. Recently, in a rare opportunity I had conversations about the Cultural Revolution with several American friends of mine. My adviser, a much older lady, listened quietly on the side. Afterwards, she came to me and mentioned: "Come to think about it, you were very fortunate. God let you suffer the agony yet you did not behave like others. You did not ransack other people's homes, humiliate your teachers, and assail elders. Looking back, you have less guilt on your conscience. You can see that you were generously blessed by God."
Was I fortunate? I was quite surprised by her comments. However, her last statements startled me. She was very apologetic, and solemnly went on: "I am sorry! We were so ignorant about this then. I did not know you were all suffering during that time. We did not even pray to God for you. I felt truly sorry."
This lady was an ordinary Christian. What about our experience during the Cultural Revolution had anything to do with her? To us, there was absolutely no bearing on it. Even to this date I still believe there was no connection whatsoever. But to her, it seemed relevant. This was because, when some people suffered hardships she had no knowledge of it, she was ignorant and unmoved about it. For that she felt sorry.
I have known this adviser personally. I never questioned her honesty and sincerity.
I have always believed that I am a victim of the Cultural Revolution. I have never harmed anyone. Those who abused people, humiliated people and ransacked people's home are the real perpetrators. They should be the ones to confess and repent.
We have been contemplating the Cultural Revolution for 20 years. Some scholars said that we need a serious round of introspection of our soul. Some even said that we need a confession of the entire nation. But how do we self--reproach? How do we repent? We tried to seek our shame and confession all over the place, yet we did not find anything. We sigh with regret: The Chinese people are not known to confess and repent. When sore tribulations and sin were so plainly displayed all over this land, yet looking around, where is the confession? Where is the penance?
A single word of "Sorry" from this American woman started my thinking for quite a while. Suddenly I realized it: I also have things to confess. Many memories, which were previously ignored, suddenly emerged. Much subtle details long faded from my memory all at once became crystal clear in front of my eye.
It is no longer true that I have nothing to confess. Looking back to the ten years during the Cultural Revolution, there are many encounters that I must confess all over the place.
I once so fervently yelled, "Long live xxx," so fanatically shouted, "Overthrow xxx." I had been waving the red flag with all my strength, I brandished the little "red book" and marched down the street. I had been so devoutly convinced that all those who were deservedly labeled as "bad elements of the society" should be swept away as enemies of the state. They deserved it even if they were beaten to death. There was my share of contributions to the atmosphere of "Red Tyranny," though it was just a short time before even I was labeled as a "Counter Revolutionary."
What happened afterwards? After I was redressed there were still 9 more years to go for the Cultural Revolution. On the other hand, I turned a blind eye towards those who were still being detained in the " barn". I followed the crowd and participated in many meetings to criticize and to denounce. I yelled "overthrow" and "condemn and censor until they have nowhere to go." I screamed at "Step on them with both feet when they are down so that they will never get up again." Around the periphery of the campus there were a row of flat houses ostensibly called the " barn" with professors and the school principal jailed there. Day in and day out one could hear the yelling of the goons and shrill screaming of those being brutalized. Each time we heard it, we just quickly ran away from it, as far as possible.
There was a teacher whose student I had been. Her head was shaved with the "Yin--yang style" (Editor's note: half of the head was shaved along the centerline, resulting in a hideous humiliation and punishment to a woman.). Her head was wrapped with an ugly looking scarf. Her posture was humped and her head hung low while she swept the floors of restrooms and hallways. So many times when I ran across her face to face, I continually ignored her as though I did not see her. Not even once did I show her the slightest smile of affection. Not even once did I console her with my glance.
By the time we left the school and went to the farms and villages, the " barn" still had teachers detained within it. Hallways were still swept by the "renegades." I never thought of bidding goodbye to any one of them, and never cared about their final outcome. Not until most recently did I learn through inquiry that some of them later committed suicide. Several escaped and were never heard from again. Some became permanently handicapped. But over the years, I was indifferent and turned a deaf ear towards their suffering.
Today, 20 years later, a word of "Sorry" from an old American stranger made me feel distraught. Why? Why is that so? Why was I so cold hearted and indifferent about the fate of my own teacher? How could I be so apathetic about other people's misery and torment?
To this American lady, if we did not act when part of our human race faced persecutions, then we are sinful before God. If we were indifferent when facing the torment of others, then we are no different from "accomplices" of the wicked establishment in front of God.
It is exactly this guilt of an "accomplice" that often makes people observe their own conscience and regularly turn over and think about their own past. I suddenly realized this principle: Search within one's soul, for the whole nation will never confess. The search for expiation and confession can exist only within the individual. Ms Wang Youqin, who for many years had been doing researches on victims of the Cultural Revolution, once said: repentance is a spiritual realm. Penance belongs only to each one of us and is completely personal. It is an undertaking resembling religious faith.
Looking back at the great disaster of the Cultural Revolution, to those who lost life, freedom, and family member; To those who lost youth, love, and a virtuous heart given by the Creator Himself; To those countless people who lost their future and the radiance of their heart, my fellow friends, let all of us confess in silence!
It is this confession that made me firmly determined, if I ever come across another Cultural Revolution, if I ever come across persecutions of innocent people without remorse, I will not remain unconcerned. Should the "Red Tyranny" again shroud over our head, I will pray to the almighty Lord, bless me with wisdom and intelligence; bestow me with courage and strength so that my knees will not buckle.
Today, the encounters of Chinese Falun Gong practitioners are strikingly alike to that of "renegades" during the Cultural Revolution. I know that the current situation in China would not change regardless of whatever we say. I am not speaking out so as to accomplish a goal. Nevertheless, if we do not speak out because it is useless, aren't we encouraging those wicked ruffians who illegally carried out the persecutions to be even more ruthless and act with impunity? If we remain silent and give our tacit consent, then how can we ever have the sense of decency to talk about how to study to be a man, talk about confession of our nation, and talk about the search of our soul?
This is the reason why I must not remain silent anymore.
February 26, 2001
