(Clearwisdom.net) About 15 years have passed since I began to cultivate Falun Dafa. I asked myself: “Have you continuously improved and followed the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance? Or, have you been stagnant at the level of a beginner?” It was not until yesterday that I recognized the risk of being overly stubborn and lacking the initiative to look within. I would like to share my experience with fellow practitioners.
My husband was in an accident and became unable to take care of himself. Subsequently, I had to handle all of the family affairs while looking after my husband and two children. It was very hard. I thought that the family was indebted to me since I did not abandon them. With the mindset of seeking gratitude and praise, I often felt frustrated and complained about my husband when I didn't receive the gratitude that I felt I deserved. Looking back, I now realize that all of these things were not accidental—they happened because of my pursuit of positive acknowledgment.
In addition, I had gone to Beijing to validate the Fa and was detained. This experience prompted me to feel superior to other practitioners, and I became disrespectful toward them. With such a mentality, I felt satisfied with my progress and failed to look within. Even when sharing understandings with others, my looking inward was superficial and was mainly done to help others improve. With the excuse of being responsible toward other practitioners, my ego continuously expanded. Instead of being within the Fa—as I thought at the time—I was actually isolating myself from the Fa with strong notions and attachments. This was very dangerous.
The evil old forces took advantage of my loopholes. When other practitioners pointed out my shortcomings, such as falling asleep with a drooping hand during the process of sending forth righteous thoughts, I did not listen. I even argued with them to defend myself and stop further criticism. As a result, my improper posture and state of mind when sending forth righteous thoughts has lasted till today. Even after studying the Fa that taught us to “look within,” I still did not improve. When I shared this with others, hoping to find a solution, none was found. As this situation continued and practitioners pointed it out repeatedly, I became agitated and argued with them about it again. Ultimately, this situation has not only caused losses to the cultivation environment of others, but also allowed many of my own attachments—including those to fame, greed, jealousy and lust—to be concealed.
I hope that fellow practitioners in similar situations are able to look within, as there is not much time left. Have we ignored criticism from others without giving it due consideration? Have we paid a lot of attention to formality instead of truly looking within and cultivating? Have we been feeling good about our past accomplishments and, as a result become enamored with ourselves and our own opinions? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then let's calm down and discard our egos. Otherwise, our egos will continue to isolate us from fellow practitioners and the Fa.
Above are some of my personal understandings. Please point out anything improper.
